From Heartbreak to Self-Discovery: Unveiling the Unexpected Gifts of Divorce
Every year, like clockwork, my ex-husband contacts me around the holidays. As if the holidays aren’t hard enough. I was angry and frustrated. I just wanted to be left alone. This time he was talking about going through family therapy to heal from the wounds incurred in our intact family life. I am not interested in looking back. It’s time to look forward.
Nine years ago, I went through a divorce. I didn’t ask for it, nor did I want it. This was not what I had expected to happen. Once married, I believed I was supposed to stay married. I had bought into the whole “happily ever after” myth, desiring a life akin to a Hallmark movie. When that didn't materialize, I was at a loss as to who I was and what to do with myself. I needed to reinvent myself.
In these nine years, I gained a lot of weight and struggled with disordered eating. I have always battled with my body image and what it meant to navigate a world that continuously told me I didn’t fit in. I kept thinking it was my fault, believing that if I just changed myself, I would fit in. If I did what they told me, I would be accepted.
When my marriage failed, I felt like I was the one who failed. I didn’t do the right things. I wasn’t the right person. When my ex-husband told my oldest child, “That he never loved me,” the words cut deeply. What was I supposed to do with that information? I hated him for saying those words. But more importantly, I hated myself for not being who he could fall in love with. I felt unlovable, a feeling that still lingers at times.
I have stopped myself so many times out of fear of failure. I didn’t want people to see my flaws or mistakes. I wanted them to see me as put together and perfect. This thinking created a vacuum in which I did nothing. I stayed at home and kept my circle small. I didn’t take risks.
“My journey is about finding balance, embracing change, and being open to new possibilities.”
By being the person I thought everyone would like, I forfeited myself. I held myself to an impossible standard, telling myself I’d only put myself out there once I lost weight, became funnier, or more beautiful. It takes a lot of effort to lose weight, accompanied by many rules, shame, and self-loathing. The hardest part to let go of has been the self-loathing. I needed a reason for my marriage’s failure, for my life not being as I imagined. I even told myself that I should never have married, that I am not meant to be with another person.
I am reclaiming myself and looking inside of myself to find out who I am. It took me five years to call my ex-husband “my ex”. There was still a part of me that believed we could have some sort of relationship. These days, I am very happy not having him in my life. I am not saying he is a bad person; he is just a bad person for me. We want different things from life. I am learning to love myself for me and not anyone else.
I am taking back my power. The world is a big place and finding and sharing the joy will be a goal I look forward to exploring. There’s a part of me that wants to shout from the rooftops, “All is good,” even if this isn’t the path I thought I would be on.
My identity and self-worth are not tethered to my marriage as I had originally felt. I am discovering new things about myself every day. I am exploring interests that I had put aside or never knew I had. Whether it’s picking up a new hobby, traveling to places I've always dreamed of, or simply enjoying my own company, I am finding joy in these experiences. I am writing my own story now, one where I am the protagonist who overcomes challenges and grows stronger with each passing chapter. I am not defined by my past, but shaped by it, and I am excited to see where this path leads me.
I am relaunching myself and finding the courage to discover what I want from life and how to follow my heart. I devoted my 30s and 40s to raising my children. Now that they are adults and finding their own paths, it’s time for me to find mine. I am setting boundaries and prioritizing my well-being. This includes nurturing relationships that are supportive and uplifting, and stepping away from those that drain my energy. My journey is about finding balance, embracing change, and being open to new possibilities.
I love who I am becoming. I love that I am thinking of doing things I never would have dreamed of if I had stayed married and lived the Hallmark life I thought I was supposed to live. I don’t want that Hallmark life. I have gained so much more than that life. The future is unwritten, and it's mine to script, filled with purpose, joy, and self-acceptance. When life takes an unexpected trajectory, it can bring self-doubt and pain. Sometimes it can bring beautiful gifts and a little bit of magic.
Martha Treder
Soul Searcher | Activist
I have always valued community and cultivating connections. I’ve been reflecting on my next steps and part of that is sharing my thoughts and journey. It’s not just about my story; it’s about creating a community where we can all connect, support each other, and grow together.