Activist, Soul-Searcher, Educator, Creator
Perfection
By the time I was seventeen, I had received so many messages on what it meant to be perfect. Spending hours trying to get my hair to do something it could never do. Wearing makeup like a mask. Making sure everything from my hair to the shape of my body were perfect. Growing up, I didn’t feel like I could ever be the “perfect” daughter.
I went on my first diet when I was seventeen. It didn't really matter who I was on the inside, as long as I looked good on the outside. I deemed my body a failure.
Like Sisyphus from Greek mythology, the pressure to fit in and belong felt as herculean as pushing a boulder up a mountain. Each step I took felt plodding and heavy with the realization that what I was doing was futile. Dieting was my task just as Sisyphus’s task was to push the boulder up the mountain. This was the beginning of years of off-again, on-again dieting and an eating disorder. Once I started gaining weight, I lost value.
Last year, my younger brother, Robert, passed away and his death served as a wake up call for me. He had refused to listen to his doctors or take medications for his mental health. The truth was, he pretty much wanted to die. It frightened me to realize I was heading down that same road. I often wondered what it would be like if I drove my car at 100 miles per hour and hit a concrete medium.
After his death, my lab work sent me into a downward spiral - back into my old disordered thoughts - and I started to restrict again. I knew that if I continued down this path I was going to hate myself and possibly worse. I had to do something to break free.
Rather than trusting myself, I had been looking outside of myself for answers. I now surround myself with people who build me up.
I recently found a photo from my high school graduation. My hair was pulled back softly in a braid and a beautiful smile on my face. Where did that young girl go?
I sometimes feel like Pooh when Christopher Robin tells him, "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” Through other people’s belief in me, I am finally beginning to believe in myself and finding that young girl again.
