Value Driven Resolutions in a Failure-Focused World
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Most people have heard of or read “The Story of Two Wolves,” a parable in which a grandchild asks a grandfather about two wolves who represent different values who are warring with each other inside of them. The grandchild asks the grandfather who wins. The grandfather wisely replies, “The one you feed.” What if we take the wisdom of this parable and apply it to our New Year's resolutions?
The anticipation of letting go of the old year and bringing in the new year brings up a mix of emotions and thoughts. I've always felt this pressure to make resolutions, but at the same time, I don't want to commit to something I know I won't keep. It’s a conundrum that I have found hard to resolve. Maybe I have been feeding the wrong wolf. Maybe I need to look at my resolutions through a different lens, in other words, feed a different wolf.
I’ve noticed that my insecurities and failures ride on the back of one wolf while my strengths and successes ride on the back of the other wolf. One or the other will inform how I make my resolutions and what they will be. How my resolutions are made depends on which wolf I am feeding.
In the past, my resolutions often fed the wolf carrying my insecurities and failures because, deep down, I thought I wasn’t enough or a success. They were about fixing what I perceived as failures. For a long time, I used to set goals to lose weight and be more active, not because I genuinely wanted to, but because I felt the need to meet expectations and fit into what I thought was the "right" path. My resolutions implicitly implied that there was something wrong with me. They implied that if I fix myself then everything else will be better. It was like saying, "I'm not good enough, so let me fix myself, and everything else will fall into place." I was hanging my hat on goals that seemed unattainable.
This approach created a toxic cycle of self-loathing and constant feelings of failure. I'd tell myself that I didn't do enough the previous year, so now I had to make up for it. But each year, I'd end up falling short of keeping my resolutions, starting a cycle of failure and self-blame. I wanted to stop the cycle. My resolutions were doing more harm than good.
I eventually stopped making resolutions altogether because it felt like I couldn't live up to them. I needed to break that harmful cycle. When I really think about why we make resolutions, it seems counterintuitive. Why base our resolutions on perceived failings? It sets us up for failure, doesn't it? It becomes this battle between whether we feed our failures or feed our successes.
This year I’ve decided I want to feed the wolf carrying my strengths. So, my resolution for the New Year is to do things that align with who I am, not who I think I should be. I believe we have lost sight of what it means to assess what is or is not working for us. We have turned making resolutions into a success vs. failure scenario, a black and white issue. Life is full of gray areas. We equate what we do with who we are. If something we tried failed, we label ourselves failures. But I can't keep saying I'm a failure just because a movement I tried or a diet I attempted didn't work out.
I want resolutions that align with my values and lifestyle, not the other way around. The idea surrounding this is to reframe why I am setting resolutions. Making resolutions out of feelings of inadequacy or a failure are always doomed to fail. Resolutions should come from a place of strength, confidence, and love.
So, I’m working on reframing my goals, focusing on aligning them with my values. This is how I feed the wolf carrying my strengths. Instead of obsessing over things I can control, like my weight, my resolutions this year will be more about the things I know align with my values. This year, I am replacing past resolutions of joining a gym with a course guided by a physical therapist to help me reconnect to my body. This year’s resolution also includes forgoing the latest diet craze with nurturing myself, focusing on my creativity and food enjoyment. I believe that by reframing my resolutions to “feed” my strengths and values, I will emerge stronger because of it.
Martha Treder
Soul Searcher | Activist
I have always valued community and cultivating connections. I’ve been reflecting on my next steps and part of that is sharing my thoughts and journey. It’s not just about my story; it’s about creating a community where we can all connect, support each other, and grow together.